Interpersonal Effectiveness 

Being attuned to others, demonstrating compassion and sensitivity, putting others at ease, and having the ability to relate well and build rapport with all kinds of people; having diplomacy, tact and interpersonal skills, and knowing how to use them to ease transactions and relationships with others 

 

People with this competence:  

• Know how the social world works, know what is expected in social situations, and pick up on social signals;

• Take a genuine interest in, and are curious about, other people; they want to know who they are, what they do, and how they think;

• Have exceptional listening skills, and listen for what’s not being said as much as for the spoken words; they listen for understanding, without interrupting, without judgment;

• Ask far more open-ended, clarifying questions than individuals lacking this skill;

• Meet people where they are so they can ease interpersonal transactions and get done what they need to get done;

• Interact smoothly with others, even at the nonverbal level;

• Demonstrate skill in building and mending relationships;

• Understand and respect cultural, religious, gender and socioeconomic differences;

• Share information with others, and obtain more information in return;

• Know others’ communication styles and relate to others using the optimal approach;

• Understand and use diplomacy and tact in relating with others;

• Have a contagious positive, enthusiastic attitude; quickly put people at ease;

• Can match and mirror cues from others to demonstrate understanding, listening and to build rapport; and

• Have the ability to diffuse high-tension situations with ease. 

 

People lacking this competence:  

• Have difficulty relating to others; “rough around the edges”;

• Have an approach to people that tends to “chill” the transaction;

• May be arrogant, insensitive, distant, unapproachable, impatient, too intense, too quick to get to the agenda, and/or too busy to pay attention;

• May devalue others and dismiss their contributions, demonstrating a lack of respect;

• Fail to listen and instantly jump in with their opinions, solutions, and conclusions;

• Are overly directive and sharply reactive toward others; and

• Are unable to “read” other people and don’t take the time to build rapport 

 

Development tips:  

• Focus on other people first, remember Stephen Covey’s habit of highly effective people, “Seek first to understand.”  

• Understand that people come in different styles - take a DISC profile or Social Styles inventory, or Myers Briggs, and learn to “read” others and enhance your ability to approach others with the appropriate interpersonal skills. Become skilled in using all types of interpersonal skills, know and understand the people you relate with, and select the interpersonal approach that is most comfortable for them, not for you.  

• Take a 360 that measures interpersonal skills, or ask for honest feedback from others whom you trust. Do you come across as arrogant, insensitive, distant, unapproachable, impatient, too intense, too quick to get to the agenda or task at hand, or are you too busy to pay genuine attention to others?  

• Take a course or read a book on listening, and learn to truly listen to others – not only what they are saying, but what they are not saying. Listen for what motivates them, what they need from you in this moment, listen for their emotional state.  

• Pay attention to how people respond to you. Do they look uncomfortable? Do they back up, check their watch, look away for a way to escape? Do they appear nervous, stumble over their words, fidget with their papers or personal items? Work triply hard to observe others’ reactions to you.  

• Share information. Share the “why behind the what.” Confide how you arrived at your thinking and conclusions, and more importantly, invite others to share their thinking and ideas.  

• Manage your non-verbals. People respond more positively to individuals who are smiling and calm, who nod while the other person is talking, who speak in a pleasant tone, not too rapidly or forcefully, whose body language and face indicate an openness, individuals who appear relaxed and welcoming. 

 

“I will pay more for the ability to deal with others than for any other ability under the sun.” - John D. Rockefeller