Throughout each day, events occur that trigger thoughts and emotions in all of us. Some are pleasant and some generate negative thoughts and emotions. For example, occasionally we’ll hear ourselves think “What an idiot!” as someone cuts in front of us on the highway with no warning. And often we’ll let the incident, and the attendant thoughts and emotions go as we apply the brake and allow room for the aggressive driver to be on his way.
There are many other times, however, when these internal conversations play an important part in defining and shaping our emotional state, and our emotional experience of life. For example, Susan’s boss just admonished her publicly in a staff meeting for a new idea for enhancing customer responsiveness saying, “That’s the most harebrained idea you’ve come up with yet! If you’d just stick to what you’re supposed to be doing around here, everything will be just fine.”
Her internal dialogue can go to, “What a jerk. He’s the most obnoxious, pig-headed fool on the planet. I hate working for this man. I hate working here. It’s time for me to move on.” While she needs to listen to these emotions (and perhaps she should move on), these thoughts will only perpetuate her anger and her misery in the job. Suppose she chooses some different internal dialogue, “It never works to spring a new idea on Joe in a staff meeting. He’s not good with new ideas until he’s had a chance to think through them. In fact, he’s not good with new ideas unless they are his own. He has to feel as if he came up with it. I know it’s a good idea, and I’ll just take it up with him later when we can meet privately.” The result of this internal dialogue is constructive and helps reduce her anger and resentment.
Steps to emotionally-healthy self-talk:
Step 1: Tune in to your spontaneous thoughts, emotions and reactions
They are useful and instructive, although we need to carefully examine what’s happening.
Spontaneous thoughts usually share these characteristics:
They can be irrational (i.e., “I’d like nothing more than to walk in his office and hand in my resignation” or worse, “I’d like to kill this guy.”) Our spontaneous thoughts are uncensored, and the intensity of our thoughts reflect the intensity of our emotions. Obviously, we would never seriously consider killing anyone, or even quit our jobs on the spot, but these thoughts just pop out in response to the rush of emotional reaction, and we need to stop and consider whether there’s any logic to them.
They are usually overly general and we often believe them. (i.e, “He never listens to me” or “He’s always so disrespectful.”) After a while, these thoughts come into our heads so often we simply accept as truth that “he never listens,” when in fact, he might listen under certain circumstances.
They are often cryptic, and expressed as a kind of “shorthand,” as in “Jerk” or “Idiot.”
They tend to trigger other automatic thoughts. What starts as “What a jerk” leads to “I hate my job.” This not only perpetuates and exacerbates your feelings of anger, but it makes it more difficult to shut off those thoughts. Your thoughts cascade forth like dominoes.
Spontaneous thoughts can lead to distorted thinking, leading to other irrational thoughts. “This guy’s a jerk. I hate working for him. I hate working here,” may lead to the following: “I’m going to quit. What if they fire me first? What if I can’t find another job? The family needs this income. We’ll have to sell the house. The kids won’t go to college. We’ll lose everything.” See how unproductive this can be?
Tips for Avoiding Distorted, or Emotionally-Unhealthy Thinking
Don’t over-generalize. Statements like “He never listens to me” reinforce our thinking that this always applies, and can result in lowered self-esteem. It’s more accurate to say “sometimes” instead of “never”, and it allows you to take the initiative to change the situation this time.
Stay away from destructive labeling. “Jerk” and “Idiot” terminology keeps you in a frame of mind that the situation is irrevocably bad, and there’s nothing you can do to fix it. In reality, there may be times when your boss has been quite open to your ideas and supportive of you and your ideas to upper management.
Avoid mind reading and making assumptions. We often don’t know what another person’s motives or intentions are. It’s easy to see what unnecessary anxiety is caused by thinking your boss is going to fire you or doesn’t respect your ideas. Hold off on drawing conclusions until you have a chance to gather more information. Asking directly is sometimes a good way to get information, “You seemed dissatisfied with my performance this morning during the staff meeting. Is this the case?”
Don’t have rules about how others should act. This is what Plato called the “ought motive”, as in “My boss ought to have apologized to me for how he treated me in the meeting” or “My boss ought to get coaching in Emotional Intelligence.” While it’s true your boss is sorely lacking in Emotional Intelligence, by having rules for how he should act, you set yourself up for a great deal of disappointment and anger in life, because people often don’t behave as we expect or want, or to a standard we hold for ourselves. We become convinced that injustice is being perpetrated. Not only that: such distorted thinking interferes with our ability to understand the other person (and understanding others is a key ingredient of developing good relationships with them) because we see the other person only from our own perspective. By recognizing that others are different, knowing that they have their own sets of rules, and being flexible and allowing for other people’s ways of doing things, we automatically stay away from such words as ought, should and must.
Don’t inflate the significance of the event. Your boss did appear annoyed and perhaps even a little angry in the meeting, and his behavior was disappointing, but you are unlikely to be fired, lose the house, or lose the kids. The situation is far from a disaster, and you probably have the ability to turn it around. Avoid magnifying the intensity of the event many times over, as this will result in more intense negative emotions and unhealthy emotional self-talk.
Step 2: Develop Constructive Inner Dialogue
Up until now, we’ve been discussing spontaneous thoughts. Now let’s turn to constructive inner dialogue. Inner dialogue is not spontaneous; it’s deliberate and productive. By observing and then turning off the spontaneous thoughts as soon as possible, and by learning how to have effective, constructive inner dialogue, you can help defuse the effects of distressful situations in your life. Here’s how:
First, acknowledge the emotion. It’s real. You own it. It’s telling you something important, and you need to deal with it, albeit constructively.
Second, restate the generalization. So “He never listens to me” becomes more accurately “If I talk with him privately, he’ll listen to this idea. It’s a good one. I’ll bring the facts and figures. He’s listened before when presented with the data.”
Next, turn the destructive labeling into a thought specific to that situation, so “He’s such a jerk, I want to just quit” becomes “Yes, he was really a jerk in this meeting, but there have been times when he’s spoken up on my behalf and on behalf of my ideas. I’ll have to go back to those techniques.” Acknowledging your boss’ positive attributes makes it easier for you to be solution-oriented.
Avoid mind-reading and making assumptions, and just ask directly. So, “He’s not happy with my performance,” becomes “Perhaps he’s not happy with my performance in this instance, or perhaps something else is going on. I think I’ll just ask him.”
Don’t inflate the significance of the event, but engage in some constructive inner dialogue instead. “Okay, this thinking is getting out of hand. Let’s keep it in perspective. He may be having a tough day. He’s been supportive in the past. I know this is a good idea, one that can save the company tens of thousands of dollars, and I have the data to back that up. I think I’ll see if I can get on his calendar later in the day or the week and bring the information to him then.”
Your constructive inner dialogue can also take the form of constructive affirmations or even
questions, as in:
I know I do good work, and I’ve had lots of good ideas in the past.
I know this idea is a sound one, and I have the data to back this up.
I don’t need to stoop to his level, and I don’t need to get defensive.
I need to remember that he’s been supportive of my ideas in the past.
I wonder what’s up with him today that he reacted so harshly?
I wonder why I let my thoughts get so carried away that I would actually think of quitting? Usually I like this job!
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