You are always saying "no" to something. Every time we say “yes” out of obligation, we are saying “no” to something else.
Often, what we are saying “no” to is more important than those things that we are saying "yes" to.
Before saying “yes,” ask yourself the following question: “By saying yes to this, will that force me to say “no” to something else that’s important to me?” If the answer to that question is yes, then evaluate its importance.
Sadly, many people go through life without ever deciding what they want to say yes to. Without knowing what we want to say “yes” to, it’s almost impossible to know what to say “no” to.
Here are a few questions to get you thinking about what you want to say “yes” to:
What’s most important to you in regard to your family?
What’s most important to you in regard to your health?
What’s most important to you in regard to your closest relationships?
What’s most important to you in regard to your career or business?
What’s most important to you in terms of your finances?
What’s most important to you in terms of fun and recreation?
What’s most important to you when it comes to how you want to spend your time?
Write those things down. Before saying “yes” to anyone or any project, evaluate whether or not it moves you closer to those things that are most important to you. If it moves you farther away, politely decline.
It’s one thing to know that you need to say "no";; it’s another to feel comfortable doing it. Here are some ways to feel more at ease in saying "no."
1. Bear in mind that when you are saying “no” you are simply saying “yes” to those things that you have decided are a priority.
2. Remember that a request is just that – a request. And, if the person making the request is being open and honest, then it is entirely reasonable to decline the request.
3. Since it is a request, you have every right to counter-offer. Here are a couple of ways to counter-offer:
“I’d love to help out with that project; unfortunately, that deadline won’t work with my schedule. Is the deadline flexible?”
“I’d love to be part of that project; however, I’m not comfortable with the role that you are proposing for me. Could we discuss other ways that I might contribute?” (or better yet, “Here’s what I feel I can contribute.”
4. Instead of simply saying “no,” is it possible to offer an alternative solution? For example, Chris is a professional speaker who donates two days a month for pro bono speaking events for non-profits. Accordingly, if someone contacts Chris to speak at their monthly meeting for free and Chris is already committed to two dates that month, Chris simply says, “Unfortunately, that month doesn’t work for me. Can we look at an alternative month?”
5. Soften the “no.” Instead of just saying “no” and leaving it at that, soften it. For example, “Your dinner party sounds like a lot of fun;; unfortunately, we can’t make it this time. I hope you’ll invite us in the future.”
6. Understand that if you say “no” and the other person gets angry, it likely has very little to do with the request. There is something else going on and you might want to probe to discover what that is. Try this: “I can see that this is clearly important to you. It seems that this goes a bit deeper than my saying no. Our relationship is important to me so I’d like to resolve this. Can we discuss it?”
7. Get all the information before committing. Don’t say "yes" to anything until you fully understand what is expected. If you think it’s something you are interested in, say something like, “That sounds like something I’d like to be part of. However, before I make a decision, I’ll need to know more about it.” Things to learn: a. What – exactly – needs to be done? b. What is the deadline? c. How much time will it take? d. Will there be meetings? If so, are those in person or by phone? e. Who will I be working with? f. What results are we working towards? g. How will my performance be evaluated?
8. Know your priorities and be true to them. The reason that this helps you to say no gracefully is because then you are simply honoring a commitment that you have made to yourself. If you don’t know your own priorities and you are constantly being swept along by others you become resentful and that gets in the way of saying "no" with grace. Ask yourself this question: “How does this opportunity contribute to my priorities?”
9. Finally, if you are one of those people who find themselves saying “yes” as though you have no control over it, memorize the following and use it when someone asks for your involvement: “That sounds interesting. Let me check my schedule, and I will get back to you tomorrow.” This should give you the space and time to make a decision that you want to make, and formulate the right words to be true to your own priorities.
Assertiveness Techniques – Setting Boundaries
Two Decisions, Four Steps
Decisions about boundary setting:
Decide what you want and don't want from/with people. You can do this both in general and/or with any person or situation where more boundaries are needed (you will know boundaries have been violated when you are frustrated, angry, or hurt). Prepare a written list(s).
Decide to be extremely sensitive about boundaries (enlarge your boundaries), and to be constructive about enforcing them.
Steps to enforce boundaries:
Educate or inform people what they are doing. Just inform them in a matter of fact way.
If it continues, tell them what you want and don't want, and how you feel about that.
If it continues, warn them how you will separate yourself from them and/or their negative behavior, either temporarily (while it continues), or if necessary, permanently.
If it continues, distance yourself as you said you would, preferably short term, long term when necessary.
Tips:
Memorize your list. It may be all you can remember the first few times when you are under pressure and need to enforce boundaries. Soon, because it works so well, you'll probably learn to do this fairly automatically and well.
The first few times you do this, it will be hard for people who already know you, because they aren't used to this. They may over-react. They may also over- react because the first few times you do this you won't be as skillful as after you've practiced this.
It can be helpful to notify people about what you are learning and doing, ahead of time, and to let them know that you won't be as skillful, at first; you may be heavy handed...but to please be patient and bear with you. It will help you and them, too, to get along better.
Reminder: Boundaries don't separate us from life; they enrich it.
Most homes have locks. Not only do we have the right to lock our doors, we also have the responsibility to protect ourselves and our loved ones.
The same is true with personal boundaries. We have power – to say no, to not take calls we don’t want to take, to not spend time doing things we don’t want to do or with people we don’t want to be with. We have the power to insist we be treated respectfully and appropriately. We can define what we are willing to put up with. We can establish what is and what is not acceptable to us.
We can set boundaries. Boundaries don't separate us from life; they enrich it. Boundaries give us the freedom to become the person we wish to be.
Some people are afraid to speak up, however. Or they never learned. Or they were taught they couldn’t. They can.
If we wish to be in charge of our destiny, we have to learn how to speak up and tell others what is acceptable and what is unacceptable to us.
Four-Step Process to Setting Boundaries
In short:
Begin by saying, "WHEN YOU ." (state what is unacceptable)
"I FEEL." (describe your feelings)
'I WANT." (describe your expectations)
"IF YOU ~ I WILL ." (describe the consequences of ignoring your request). Now for the details.
In more detail:
1. Define the unacceptable behavior by stating “WHEN YOU . . . “ For example, whenever Mary says something her husband disagrees with, he rolls his eyes and sighs, dismissing her opinion. Mary decides to set a boundary and begins with Step 1 by saying, "Whenever you disagree with me, you roll your eyes and sigh, as if you are exasperated by something I've said."
When explaining your grievance, it is important to be specific. The person you are dealing with is not a mind reader and cannot be sure of what is troubling you unless you spell it out. Note that Mary did not say, "When you belittle me" (that is too vague), but said, "When you roll your eyes and sigh." By being specific, you not only make sure the person you're speaking to understands you, but you are helping them to become aware of their behavior, which may be automatic and done without any thinking on their part.
2. Mary continues setting her boundary by taking Step 2 and saying, "WHEN YOU do that, I FEEL hurt, I feel my opinions are dismissed, and I feel belittled. When you dismiss my opinions like that, I FEEL as if you believe I have nothing of value to say."
Steps 1 and 2 are not about blaming. They are merely factual statements. Mary is not accusing her husband of being coldhearted. She is just expressing her feelings, and in Step 3, she will go on to express her needs.
3. Mary is ready to go on to Step 3, so she continues, "I want to be in a loving, caring, supportive relationship. I expect to be appreciated and respected. When you dismiss my thoughts and opinions, I feel disrespected, and I feel like we are being driven apart.
So, from now on, when I express an opinion, I WANT you to stop rolling your eyes and sighing as if I am stupid. I WANT you to listen to what I have to say, consider it, and respect my right to express an opinion without being laughed at, belittled or treated as a child. I don't always agree with what you have to say, but I respect your right to have another opinion. At the very least, you can grant me the same courtesy."
Note that in Step 3, too, it is important to be specific in stating what we want. Granted, it is helpful to know that Mary wishes to be in a loving, caring, and supportive relationship, and wants to be appreciated and respected. But those wishes are still too vague to be clearly understood. Fortunately, she later spelled out exactly what she wants when she added, "I WANT you to stop rolling your eyes and sighing as if I were stupid. I WANT you to listen to what I have to say, consider it, and respect my right to express an opinion without being laughed at."
4. A new boundary cannot be established unless it is enforced. The role of Step 4 is to announce the consequences of refusing to comply with the request being made. It isn't always necessary to announce the consequences to the person you're dealing with. However, it is essential that you choose the consequences in your own mind and commit to carrying them out if necessary.
In the case of Mary, her purpose isn't to antagonize or threaten her husband. She merely wishes to correct his unacceptable behavior. So, in place of Step 4, she may simply say, "Do you understand what I am saying, Honey?"
But what if Mary's husband continues to ridicule her? A boundary without enforcement is not a boundary, so if her husband’s behavior continues, Mary will convey the consequences.
The actions she will take are not punishment she is handing out, but the consequences her husband brought on himself by his own actions. Although there is much Mary can do and say, here is just one example, "I asked you to stop rolling your eyes and sighing whenever I express an opinion that differs from yours and you have refused to stop. So, I have decided to spend less time at home and start taking night school classes where I can improve myself and make new friends. If I cannot find the respect I need and deserve at home, I will find it outside the home. I hope you understand."
Everyone resists change, so if you try to set a boundary with a friend that ridicules you, they will probably try to brush it aside by saying something like, "I was just joking. You're too sensitive."
But don't accept that explanation. Immediately reply, "You may have been joking, BUT I AM NOT. If you continue to ridicule me, I will find another friend."
Personal power means you are not less important than others; it means standing up for yourself.
The other side of the coin is this: others are not less important than you, so respect and honor their boundaries.
In sum, you are not here to live up to the expectations of others, but neither are they here to live up to yours. Seek assertiveness, balance or the middle path. That is, don't be passive, allowing others to step all over you. Also, don't be aggressive, bullying your way through life.
Rather, be assertive, defending your rights and the rights of others. The purpose of setting boundaries is not to be separated from others, but to gain the freedom and strength to live your life to its full potential. It is only after we learn how to protect, honor, and love ourselves that we are able to do the same for others.
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