A sense of self-confidence and an inner knowing that you can meet life’s challenges and live the life you choose; the ability to have the difficult conversations in life, and to speak your truth quietly, sincerely, assertively and appropriately.
People with this competence:
Have a calm inner conviction about who they are and their ability to get the things they want and need in life;
Believe they can set the direction of their lives, and do;
Are able to distinguish between the things they have control over in life and those they do not; and don’t stress over the latter;
Define themselves from the inside out (“I’m capable,” “I’m good at managing setbacks,” “I’m pretty good at managing conflicts,” “I’m creative”) rather than from the outside in (“I’m a Vice President,” “I’m a banker,” “I’m a lawyer,” or “I’m a doctor”);
Make things happen; don’t believe in fate;
Feel in control of their lives;
Know what they want and go after it;
Are confident in themselves; and
Can speak their truth and give voice to their convictions.
People lacking this competency:
Avoid confrontations with people, even to get a problem resolved or when the confrontation might be best in the long run;
Have difficulty speaking truth to power;
Lack confidence in their own judgment;
Avoid going to the heart of an issue;
Hesitate to try new things;
Have difficulty defending their ideas;
Avoid challenges, give in too readily;
Question their own ability; often feel powerless;
Don’t take risks or chances, even moderate ones; and
Are unable to set boundaries or demand respectful treatment from others.
Development tips:
Make a list of the things you’ve accomplished in your life; make a sincere effort to recapture the feelings you experienced when you achieved your goals;
Identify the things you excel in, tap into the emotions associated with those strengths;
Examine the causes of your lack of confidence or lack of personal power, i.e., a lack of skill in a new position? If so, seek out formal or informal training to boost your confidence. Is it a lack of experience? Seek the help of a mentor who will provide you some guidance; and
Take an assertiveness course or read a book on assertiveness;
Become aware of communication circumstances when you put yourself down or use language that suggests powerlessness or a lack of confidence. For example, be aware of allowing interruptions. Stop saying “I’m sorry” frequently. Stop the “uptalk,” that rising inflection at the end of a statement that makes you sound tentative. Become aware of weak language such as tag lines (“this is a good idea, isn’t it?), and modifiers (like “hopefully,” and “I guess this is a good idea,” or even “I’m just the front desk person,” or “I’m only a beginner”). Our language teaches people how to treat us. If our language lacks power, we are perceived as lacking power and we are treated as lacking power. Enlist the help of a good communication coach to ensure your language has power;
Set and keep boundaries;
Move on from failures;
Identify those circumstances and situations where you can have influence and commit to making an impact in those areas;
Ask for the information you need;
Let go and stop trying to control situations over which you have no power; and
Envision yourself as smart, competent, articulate, poised, and admired.
Great Resources:
The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships , by Randy J. Paterson, Ph.D;
You Can Have What You Want: Proven Strategies for Inner and Outer Success , by Michael Neill;
Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO , and Take Control of Your Life , by Henry Cloud and John Townsend; and
How to Have Confidence and Power in Dealing with People , by Les T. Giblin
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