People with good interpersonal skills are easier to be around. They seem to connect with others effortlessly and say the right things at the right time. They facilitate communication and thereby, connection. They are easy to be with.
Interestingly, people with strong interpersonal skills make the interaction feel so easy, we don’t even make conscious note of it, and we only really start to notice when we see a lack of interpersonal skills. And we certainly notice when ours desert us! We feel we’ve blurted out the wrong thing, we’ve become tongue-tied, and we become embarrassed.
No matter how hard we work or how many brilliant ideas we may have, if we can’t connect with the people who work around us, our professional lives will suffer. The good news is that there are several concrete things we can do to improve our social skills and become closer to our friends, family and colleagues. All of these techniques will ultimately help all of us succeed in today’s working world.
Try these 15 helpful tips for improving your interpersonal skills:
1. Smile. Few people want to be around someone who always seems grumpy. A smile invites contact and puts people at ease. Smile, be friendly and upbeat, maintain a positive, cheerful attitude and smile often. The positive energy you radiate will make you feel better and draw others to you.
2. Express gratitude. Identify something you appreciate in another person and let them know. This validates the other person and the efforts they are making. Research indicates that employees who are acknowledged once every seven or so days are more engaged at work. Most are really trying. You can afford to be generous with praise and words of encouragement. Say thank you when someone helps you. Make colleagues and others feel welcome when they call or stop by. If you let others know that they are appreciated, they’ll want to give you their best.
3. Take a genuine interest in others. Be other-oriented. Take an interest in what’s going on in their lives. Acknowledge their happy milestones and accomplishments, inquire about the family, and express concern and sympathy for difficult situations such as an illness or death. And when someone expresses something important to them, DON’T turn the conversation back to yourself or someone you know. True story: I told my mother in-law about our 25-year-old son’s being mentioned in a just-published book on finance. I thought she might be interested in her grandson’s accomplishment, especially so young in his career. Her response? “My cousin’s brother-in-law’s uncle’s ex-wife was acknowledged in a book back in 1965.” (Okay, perhaps a slight exaggeration, but very slight). Where does the conversation go from there? Do I inquire further into the cousin’s brother-in-law’s uncle’s ex-wife’s story? Or do I turn the conversation back to her grandson, thinking she ought to have some measure of genuine interest there? In this case, as in most with my mother-in-law, the conversation died. I didn’t know what to say. And to fill the “space” she prattled on about other people I’ve never heard of and don’t know. And while I’m sure she loves her grandson, there just didn’t seem to be much. interest on her part in learning more (“oh, what was he acknowledged for?” or “oh, tell me more, what did he do?”), and therefore that path of conversation ended, and so does our connection.
4. Make appropriate eye contact and address people by their first names. Pretty basic, but it sometimes amazes me how difficult it is for some people to maintain a comfortable amount of eye contact. And Dale Carnegie said, “there is nothing more pleasant to a man than the sound of his own name.” Just don’t over-do it, however, or it will come off as slick and insincere.
5. Practice active and patient listening. To actively listen is to demonstrate that you truly hear and understand another’s point of view. It means restating, in your own words, what the other person has said. In this way, you know that you understood their meaning and they know that your responses are more than lip service. Others appreciate knowing that you really do listen and truly hear what they have to say. Don’t interrupt or talk over the other person. Be patient and hear them out. Don’t finish others’ sentences (it’s rude). Experts recommend listening 80% of the time and only talking 20%.
6. Be gentle. People respond to gentleness more than they do to harshness. Avoid attacks, threats, and judgmental statements. No “make-wrongs,” no put-downs, no name calling, no guilt trips, no subtle threats. Don’t bully or criticize. People don’t like to be bullied, pushed, criticized, judged or made to feel guilty. Remember, there is pain in every life at one time or another, and you never know if this might be a difficult time in theirs. Be sensitive to others. Everyone has been through something difficult.
7. Bring people together. Create an environment that encourages others to come together. Treat people as friends, not strangers. Be fair, and don't play favourites. Avoid talking about others behind their backs. If people see you as someone solid and fair, someone who brings people together, they will grow to trust you and the interpersonal bonds are strengthened.
8. Resolve conflicts. Take a step beyond simply bringing people together, and become someone who resolves conflicts when they arise. Learn how to be an effective mediator. Be someone who can diffuse the situation and relieve the tension when others are tense, upset or angry. Don’t take the bait if someone makes a negative, angry or insulting comment. Responding in kind will just escalate the problem. Leave a few seconds of silence, and use the time to think about ways you can move the conversation to a more constructive, higher lane. And if others bicker over personal or professional disagreements, sit down with both parties and help sort out their differences. By taking on this leadership role, you garner respect.
9. Use humour. Try to be light hearted and don’t be afraid to use humour. Most people are drawn to a person that can make them laugh. Use your sense of humour as an effective tool to lower barriers.
10. See it from their side. Stephen Covey said, “Seek first to understand before seeking to be understood.” Put yourself in the other person’s place and understand how they feel. Try to view situations and responses from their perspective, and verbally acknowledge their perspective. This can be accomplished through staying in touch with your own emotions; those who are cut off from their own feelings are often unable to empathize with others.
11. Help people. If you can see someone is feeling awkward and seems not to know what to say, see if you can help them out - tactfully. Perhaps you can ask them a question that gets them started. Or if they're struggling for a specific word, or having difficulty expressing what they mean, perhaps you can supply some suggestions or ask a question that helps facilitate their ability to express themselves.
12. Don't complain. There is nothing worse than a chronic complainer or whiner. If you simply have to vent about something, save it for your diary. If you must verbalize your grievances, vent to your personal friends and family, and keep it short. Spare those around you, or else you’ll get a bad reputation.
13. No Apologies. Apologize when apologies are warranted. No overly apologetic behaviour. No apologizing for being alive. No apologizing for making a request. No apologizing for having an opinion. No apologizing for disagreeing. Apologizing implies that you are in the wrong. Apologizing when you are not in the wrong will reduce your effectiveness over time. Being able to apologize is a very important skill, and is important for maintaining relationships, however, if overdone, it annoys people, and can reduce interpersonal effectiveness.
14. Validate others. Treat them and their expertise and ideas with respect. Validate their feelings, their values, their efforts, their wants. Ask for and validate, or at least acknowledge, their opinions.
15. Be aware of body language and tone. Being aware of others’ signals (and your own) is an essential interpersonal skill. Body language and tone let our emotions show through, and we need to be careful not to allow our feelings of anger, frustration and impatience come through in non-verbal (or verbal) ways. Be aware of the moment when you feel emotionally agitated, and wait until you have your emotions under control before responding. Similarly, use your own body language to demonstrate you are listening and understanding.
Comments