The ability to empathize is dependent first on our abilities to feel and identify our own feelings and emotions. If we are to coach our clients in the skills of empathy, they must first have mastered the ability to know, understand and name their own emotions. If we are not aware that we have experienced a certain feeling, it is difficult for us to understand what another person is feeling. A prerequisite to coaching empathy is coaching emotional self-awareness.
From the standpoint of social and emotional intelligence, empathy involves at least three concepts:
Listening for another’s emotional state and having a sensitivity for the other person’s feelings, is arguably the first step;
Understanding what that person might be feeling or experiencing at this moment, both cognitively and emotionally; and
Verbally expressing, communicating and acknowledging our perception of the “internal frame of reference of another” and our “sense of similarity of feelings.”
Empathy is the capacity to know – emotionally – what another is experiencing, AND being able to express or communicate our feelings of empathy. If we do not, we may feel empathy, but the other person may not know that we do. To enhance the relationship, it is important to express (verbally, or through our body language, tone, or actions) that we understand, acknowledge and share the experience and feelings of the other person.
When people feel listened to and understood at a deep emotional level, and when that understanding is acknowledged or communicated, people feel affirmed and validated. Empathy is a core competency in social and emotional intelligence coaching.
So, in coaching our clients in the empathy competence, following are some thoughts:
Help them develop greater sensitivity. By definition, more sensitive people are more likely to notice someone else’s feelings and to feel something themselves. However, even those individuals who are not naturally sensitive, or do not have a high natural level of social and emotional intelligence, can take steps to show more sensitivity to the feelings of others.
Coach them to demonstrate behaviors that express sensitivity. Help them understand the difference between sensitive behaviors and behaviors that invalidate others. Behaviors such as belittling, diminishing, rejecting, judging, dismissing or ignoring others and their feelings make others feel invalidated and demoralized. Behavior such as outright contempt of another is particularly damaging. Help them replace invalidating, insensitive behaviors with sensitive behaviors. Even a simple acknowledgement without any real empathy is much better than totally ignoring someone’s feelings.
Coach them in how to read others’ cues, particularly the non-verbal ones such as facial expressions, tone of voice and body language. At Coach U, this is called “contextual listening.” Ask them, “what might this other person need from you right now?” Possible answers can include: acknowledgement that their feeling is normal, to be respected, to be included, to be validated, to be “right,” to be cared for, to be in control, to be needed, to be creative, to be helpful, to be kept advised, to be recognized, etc. An empathetic response will close the gap on what the other person needs from us at that moment.
Coach them on putting themselves in the other person’s position (walk a mile in their moccasins). Empathy is closely related to compassion. When we feel empathy for another person, we are getting emotional information about them and their situation, and we get to know them better. As we get to know others on an emotional level, we see the similarities between our feelings and theirs, and we begin to understand their emotional needs are similar to ours. When we realize we have similar emotional needs, we are better able to relate to others. We have compassion for them.
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