Emotional intelligence is undoubtedly the greatest factor in strong, influential leadership.
It’s twice as important as IQ or technical skills. But it doesn’t come easy.
It’s difficult to be aware of your emotions, to understand what they’re telling you, and to manage them effectively.
Emotional intelligence is also your ability to perceive others. When you understand how others see and feel, you open yourself to managing better relationships.
Although it accounts for 90% of the factors that define a star performer, many of us would say that our leaders don’t have it.
I can look back through my career and see where I really didn’t have emotional intelligence.
So why is emotional intelligence so hard?
Here are three reasons why.
1) We’re clueless. We have little to no idea how we are perceived. We have no idea of our strengths and limitations based on our personalities. We don’t always see our biases. Worse yet, some of us act like we don’t care how we are perceived.
Let’s suppose that asked your boss, your director, your CEO “Do you know your personality or leadership style? Do you know what limitations and tendencies show up consistently that you may not see?”
How many of them could answer? How many could name three limitations? Can you imagine their look, their response…if any?
How many could you answer? I’ll help you with this one in a moment.
2) We’re in an empathy slump, and it’s not going up. Our ability to connect with others on a deep and meaningful level is dropping fast.
Empathy is based on emotion. It’s your ability to understand your emotions, spot them in others, and your willingness to connect at their level. Their level, not yours. That’s empathy, and we’re losing it as a culture, as a people.
A recent study of college students by University of Michigan researchers showed a 34 percent to 48 percent decline in empathic skills over an eight-year period. An article in Scientific American noted the decline has been going on for decades. As humans decline in empathy, artificial intelligence is rapidly learning from us. Scary combination.
Today, we are polarized and desensitized on ideas and ideals. As a people, we are not as connected as we think we are — despite all our social tagging and technical tethering.
Leaders need to be connectors, and having empathy is a core part of that. Leaders need to clearly understand how the feelings affect engagement and the impact to the bottom line.
3) We are emotional beings, and we protect ourselves first. It’s innate, and so the way to connect is through emotion. Our emotional brain thinks faster than our conscious one — we can’t help but to feel sad, mad, glad or afraid. It’s natural, these four core emotions are wired into us.
You don’t control your emotions, they have automatic triggers. However, you can learn to understand them and react appropriately to what they are saying.
I share a wonderful video below that will help you identify and respond to your personal triggers. The key is to understand emotions for what they are and what they are not.
Emotions are important and innate, but they need our awareness and management. Emotions motivate and inspire us. But when we get stressed, we rely more on the emotional brain to save us, and that can lead to trouble. In the heat of battle, when emotional triggers are firing away, leaders can make poor decisions, assign the wrong tasks, or even hire or fire the wrong person.
When you become aware of your emotions and learn to manage them, you won’t act or react the same. You will connect better with others and make greater impact as a leader. You can feel the emotion, but you don’t have to act on it. That’s the key piece. Keeping your mouth shut to listen and think, to not snap when threatened. The good news is that you can learn and develop your emotional smarts.
Know your SWOT analysis. SWOT stands for strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats. If you’re in business, you should already know that about your company. Now apply it to yourself.
I wrote an article on self-awareness, and one of the tools I mention is 16personalities.com. After completing a short assessment, you will have a complete personality and leadership profile. Now you’re no longer clueless.
Once I discovered all the facets of my own style, I decided to learn more about other personality and leadership styles. I researched their different strengths and limitations. Most importantly, I discovered how others viewed difficulties and potential solutions to problems.
When you understand how others see things, it’s powerful. When you see the strengths and limitations of the styles, you’ll develop an appreciation (and empathy!) for others. If you’re a smart leader, you’ll use this to align people with the right roles and tasks to help them shine.
Watch this killer video by Dr. Mitchel Adler.
It’s titled Emotional Intelligence: How Good Leaders Become Great. It clocks in a little over 30 minutes, but it’s the best practical presentation I’ve seen on emotional intelligence and empathy. You need to watch it. Dr. Adler is a great speaker with free powerful tips on developing your emotional intelligence.
If you do the homework from the presentation, you’re on your way to understanding your emotions and managing them in a healthy, productive way. Through intention and practice, you’ll be able to develop better relationships with others, in leadership or life.
Emotional intelligence doesn’t have to be so hard. You just need to be aware, to understand, to manage your own emotions first. Then as a leader, you need to be willing to connect with others on their emotional level. That’s the deciding point…
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