Give yourself a chance to respond in a healthy way, even in challenging situations.
The 10-second rule is really quite simple: It simply says that whenever the temperature in a conversation starts to go up, pause for 10 seconds before you respond. That’s it–just stop and wait.
There are several reasons this works. First, it allows you to take a breath and think through your response before you contribute any more fuel to an otherwise heated conversation. Taking a deep breath can actually help lower cortisol, the hormone that contributes to your stress reaction.
It also gives you a moment to consider the person on the other side of the conversation and process whatever it is they just said. After all, even if they said something that upset you, you still have a choice in how to respond. Give yourself 10 seconds to figure that out before things get even worse.
In almost every situation where a conversation is getting out of hand, the 10-second rule can help diffuse your emotions and refocus on the people and your purpose. Of course, for such a simple rule, putting it into practice can be quite a challenge. That’s because when a conversation gets heated or you find that you’re not getting through, you often stop responding based on your purpose and goals, and instead react emotionally.
You’ll be surprised how much time 10 seconds really is in terms of giving you a chance to collect your emotions and your thoughts. You might be even more surprised to discover how effective it is at getting a conversation back on track.
Why? Because most of the time, when a conversation gets heated, the two people end up in a sort of crazy cycle. One person says something the other finds offensive and they respond out of anger or frustration. That response triggers the first person and they continue in a dangerous cycle. I say it’s dangerous because it has the potential to not just ruin the conversation, but to also damage the relationship.
Ultimately, that’s the real reason this rule is so important. It’s not just about conversations, it’s about relationships.
There are two keys to this rule. The obvious one is that you have to stop for 10 seconds. That’s the part that gives you space to lower the temperature of the conversation.
The more important piece, however, is that you have to be able to recognize when the temperature is high and that your emotional response isn’t going to help the conversation. That’s why emotional intelligence is so important. In fact, emotional intelligence is simply the ability to understand your own emotional response to something and, therefore, decide how you’re going to respond.
The 10-second rule isn’t very effective if you’re unable to see when your emotions are getting in the way of clearly communicating with someone else, or if you aren’t able to identify what is causing you to get frustrated or angry. Emotionally intelligent leaders, however, have the self-awareness to recognize when the crazy cycle starts and give themselves permission to pause.
Ultimately, the goal isn’t to win the conversation. At least, it shouldn’t be. The goal should be to add value to the relationship. You can’t do that when you’re frustrated or angry, or if the other person isn’t able to hear what you’re trying to say.
That’s why the 10-second rule is ultimately so valuable–not because it helps you improve your conversations, but because it helps you improve your relationships. I mean, it will definitely improve your conversations, but the real benefit is that it gives you a tool you can use to invest in your relationships with the people who matter.
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