Summary prepared from Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
The Phenomenon
Early warning signs of fault lines in relationships are voiced or unvoiced (thoughts and non verbal language). Voiced examples include harsh criticisms, character assassinations and attacks.
In close relationships it is okay to voice complaints but not to express harsh criticisms or attacks. Once a person perceives an attack in verbal or non-verbal language (sighs, shaking head from side to side, turning away, tone of voice, sneer, rolling of eyes), flooding begins.
Flooding is an automatic trigger wherein our heart rate increases, we become defensive, we lose emotional awareness, self control, empathy, the ability to soothe another, we don’t hear, think or speak with clarity. People either fight, attack, withdraw or stonewall. Stonewalling, closing down, is a method of limiting an escalating biological response such as increased heart rate and flow of adrenalin. It can also act as a power play, preventing resolution.
Continued conversation seems useless. The situation may seem impossible to fix. You may have feelings of dread, fear and anger. Your emotions will be intense, your perspective narrow, you may be unreasonable and have confused thinking. You fall back into primitive reactions – stop, run, fight back.
The pattern becomes self-perpetuating over time if not halted. The longer this pattern goes on the more innocuous exchanges become triggers for flooding. Your grievance is constantly confirmed in your mind (you filter for the negative rather than positive), you see the other's inherent flaws constantly and you react as a victim or with righteous indignation. Small issues become major battles. You are constantly hurt or angry.
Once the flooding occurs you may stay angry or hurt for some time, depending upon the intensity, increasing the likelihood for further criticism and contempt.
On average, the threshold for men to react to perceived hostile intent is higher than women and their reactions are stronger. If you think for a minute about our biological heritage and historical roles this makes sense. Women on the other hand are more likely to pursue clarity, to act as emotional managers, escalating to criticism and contempt if they are not heard. In general men need to increase their active listening skills and women need to remove criticism from their verbal and non-verbal communication.
People who are considered bullies read hostile intent into neutral actions. They then use that perception to justify their aggression. Some typical slights that might trigger this include rejection, embarrassment or fear of abandonment, which triggers indignation and outrage. These same triggers can exist for all of us, they are our underlying fears, but people with aggressive behavior may read them into neutral situations without realizing it.
Reference:
Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman published 1995.
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