When you look into the mirror, who do you see? If someone was looking at your reflection with you, would they see the same thing(s) in you?
I’d like to think I have an accurate view of myself. I mean, I’m middle aged, and I’ve lived with me for 38 years now. You would think I would know myself well…and I do…in some aspects.
But, as we all do, I have a few blind spots. Blind spots are simply areas of life where others see us differently than we see ourselves. They often are aspects where we view ourselves stronger, higher, more adept, more suave, more competent — you fill in the blank — than what those around us see.
Know Thyself
Accurate self-assessment. What is it, and how can we know if we have it? It’s a competency of emotional intelligence, and one which is vital to building a healthy self-image and healthy relationships.
“What do you mean, Phib?” asked Miss Squeers, looking in her own little glass, where, like most of us, she saw – not herself, but the reflection of some pleasant image in her own brain.”
― Charles Dickens, Nicholas Nickleby
Accurate self-assessment is an inner awareness of your strengths and limitations, without ill-placed pride, and without shame. It’s also knowing how to utilize your strengths and improve in your areas of growth.
Are you self-aware about your self-awareness?
Ironically, many think they are self-aware when they are not. Organizational psychologist and researcher Tasha Eurich notes, “With thousands of people from all around the world, 95 percent of people believe that they’re self-aware, but only about 10 to 15 percent really are.” [https://trainingmag.com/why-most-people-lack-self-awareness-and-what-to-do-about-it]. Do you think you fall in the 95% or the 15%?
Eurich goes on to note, “At the office, we don’t have to look far to find unaware colleagues — people who, despite past successes, solid qualifications, or irrefutable intelligence, display a complete lack of insight into how they are coming across.”
You’re probably thinking of someone (or somemany!) right now.
A question to ask — if they were reading this, would they be thinking of you?
Healthy self-esteem
Research shows that accurate self-awareness builds healthy self-esteem by making us more proactive and encouraging positive self-development (Sutton, 2016). It allows us to experience pride in ourselves and our accomplishments (Silvia & O’Brien, 2004). It lends itself toward better decision making (Ridley, Schutz, Glanz, & Weinstein, 1992), and can make us better at our jobs, better communicators in the workplace, and enhance our self-confidence and job-related wellbeing (Sutton, Williams, & Allinson, 2015). [https://positivepsychology.com/self-awareness-matters-how-you-can-be-more-self-aware/]
Qualities of a self-aware individual
People who are strong in this competency tend to do a lot of the following. Which one of these is your strength?
Reflective and learn from past experiences
Understand your potential
Recognize your strengths and capabilities
Welcome candid feedback
Are continually learning
See clearly your areas of growth
Admit you have blind spots
Are quick to ask for help from others
Have the ability to identify and target areas for improvement and change
Demonstrate a desire to improve
“Butterflies can’t see their wings. They can’t see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well.”
― Naya Rivera
Healthy relationships
It’s also important we develop an acute self-awareness to experience successful relationships. In her thesis at Pepperdine University, Camille Fung concludes that “Self-awareness is positively correlated with self-acceptance and quality of interpersonal relationships. This means that self-acceptance and self-awareness tend to increase and decrease together and self-awareness and quality of relationships do the same.”
Blind spots (those areas where your mirror doesn’t show you what you need to see)
If you’re not sure if you have a blind spot in accurate self-awareness, ask yourself, “How many of these behaviors show up for me on a daily or weekly basis?”
Tend to want to appear “right” in front of others
Fail to ask for help
Compete with others instead of cooperating
Exaggerate their own value and contribution
Set unrealistic, overly ambitious and unattainable goals for themselves and others
Push themselves hard, often at the expense of other parts of their lives
Push others hard
Tend to micromanage and take over instead of delegating
Take credit for others’ efforts
Blame others for mistakes, even if they made them
Cannot admit mistakes or personal weaknesses
Can’t accept feedback or criticism
It’s normal to have blind spots, and it’s normal to have areas of accurate self-awareness which need improvement. Recognizing the area you want to do some work on is a great first step toward improvement. A brave next step would be to ask those closest to you, whether at work or at home, which of the above qualities do they notice showing up in you?
“It is good to see ourselves as others see us.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
Again, it’s OK to have areas around accurate self-assessment which need some work. No shame. Welcome to the human race. However, once you’ve raised your self-awareness around areas of growth, there’s no need to keep repeating patterns which aren’t working for you, or others. The good news about emotional intelligence is that it can be developed and improved.
Take a moment to brainstorm ways you could do LESS of one of the above behaviors. Then give it a try with the next person you interact with. Then try it again…and again…and again, until it become a new habit.
Development tips
In Nick Wignall’s article, “5 Habits of Highly Self-Aware People”, he outlines five ways you can tell someone IS self-aware. These can serve as ideals or goals to work toward. Which of these would you like to develop in your own life?
They listen more than they talk.
They’re curious about their own minds.
They look for emotional blind spots.
They ask for feedback (and take it well).
They reflect on their values. [https://nickwignall.com/self-aware-people/
Choose one and focus on doing more of that for a few weeks. As with building any new habit, it will take time and repetition. Celebrate your successes along the way. Then keep going. After a few months, take some time to journal what you’ve learned, where you’ve improved and where you still need work. You can continue to focus on that one aspect, or pick a new one to work on. Then do it. And give yourself a little grace in the process. Not to burst your bubble, but you’ll never be perfect at this. The goal is to express more accurate self-assessment more of the time.
It helps to have someone helping you along the way. Consider enlisting the services of a social and emotional intelligence coach to walk alongside you as you shift in a new direction.
Accurate self-assessment and our world view
And accurate self-assessment not only applies to our view of ourselves, but our view of the world in which we live. I’m continually surprised when sharing my perspective on something, which is absolutely clear — and right! — in my mind, only to discover it’s completely different than what the next person is thinking. Same events, different perspectives. How could that be? Which is right? Which is wrong? Could I possibly be missing?
Yes, I could. And also, I could also be right. Possibly a better question to ask is, “Can opposing views coexist in reality, each containing aspects of accuracy?” If yes, then it may be a combination of our accurate self-view and the perspective of others which bring us closer to awareness and truth.
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